Eating off the floor was awesomer.
5 seconds was a bullshit rule and all be damned if you were going to follow it. Your clumsy little meat fists couldn’t hold onto anything, which is why your buffet was off a linoleum plate. Your parents spoke germ filled lies about the ground because they were too ignorant to know each bite of was a carefully calculated risk in the process of making your immune system ninja. Some look for the spice of life, but you realized long ago that the floor spice of life was where it was at.
Now each amazing morsel of food that falls from your plate is fearfully thrown in the trash because you don’t want to get sick. Each squirt of hand sanitizer and spray of Lysol is weakening your health as your body slowly forgets how to fight back.
Starting tomorrow the 5-second rule is over. Let’s roll the dice on our life and build up our invincibility like when we were awesomer kids.
Thanks to everyone for the awesome submissions. Keep them coming.